Finding balance

Sore, painful, swollen, red breasts. Fever and Chills. What was going on? I had mastitis. My doctor prescribed some antibiotics and pain killers. My daughter was almost three months at this time and she had never latched.  The story of her birth may have contributed to this or it could just be one of those things.

What is so complex about breast feeding?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with my daughter?
What will people say?
Will I be able to bond with my daughter if she doesn't suck directly from my breast?
Will she develop 'normally'?

These were some of the questions that went through my mind. We had tried everyday to go on the breast for her to learn how to feed directly. We had purchased all sorts of things; nipple shields, latch assist, supplemental feeding system. She was examined to check if she had a tongue tie.

She had to eat so I had to express breast milk. This was ok while I had my mum and then mum in law around. Once they had left it proved difficult as I had  to express milk and to take care of my daughter. I tried to express when she was asleep, just before my husband went to work and when he got back. But as she grew older she slept less during the day. There were times she would cry and I would have to stop, try to pacify her and then continue expressing.Other times when i had an infection, I couldn't cuddle her due to the pain. I was not giving her my full attention. I had to try to empty my breasts so I don't get blocked ducts.
It was so horrible and it was beginning to affect my attitude.

Part of my collection, I made Medella richer.lol 

I spoke to my doctor and breastfeeding consultant. They commended me for going on that long.
Breast is best. I always believed that, still do. It's also cheaper than formula. But then again, happy mum equals happy baby like my breast feeding consultant said to me one morning. I had to make a decision. Yes I was trying to give my child the best nutrition but she also needed me. I discussed various options with my husband who had watched me cry, complain and get upset about this whole breastfeeding business and nursed me when I had episodes of mastitis. When my daughter was almost 5 months after a trip to see the out of hours doctor for my 4th infection, I decided to start cutting down. I felt so much better. I could play and be more relaxed with my baby girl. We could go out and not start hurrying home cause it will soon be time to express. I eventually stopped when she turned 6 months. This was not an easy decision.
I am glad I was able to express breast milk for six months, I'm thankful my supply did not dry up.

Having a baby that never latched meant I needed to be super organised. I had to pump in advance. I had to plan my day; make sure there was always milk in the fridge, bottles were sterilised. When we needed to go out I had to make sure I took enough milk for our time out. On some occasions I took my breast pump out with me.  I like being organised and having my daughter has helped me test that skill I believed I possessed.

In my New Mums Club, we have 8 babies; they range from exclusively breast fed to formula fed babies and everything in between. Every child is different.
Breastfeeding is great. If your child latches that's fantastic.  If he/she doesn't keep trying, don't give up. If you do decide to stop make sure its the best decision for you and your baby. If you are cranky, frustrated and upset, you will pass those vibes on to your child. If you are having challenges, get professional help. Doctors and breast feeding consultants  can be very supportive and will discuss all your options with you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for not being able to breast feed your baby. The only people that should judge your circumstances are those who will directly be affected by the decision you make, thats you, your baby and your immediate family. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby.

Taking care of you means the people in your life will receive the best you, rather than what's left of you - Carl Bryan.